Inner rap

10.00

– Good morning Premdipa!

– Umph.

– Remember what day it is today? The day you start working again!

– Really. (In mock surprise)

– You said so yourself yesterday. You have two big stories to write plus, quote-unquote, “one million other things to do” before flying to Holland on Friday.

– Can I please eat my breakfast in peace?

– Sure.


11.20

– Hey girl!

– Hi.

– What’s happening?

– Uuh, I got lost again watching telly and surfing. It’s so difficult to get started.

– Take one step at the time. What could the first step look like?

– I have to go through an interview recording. It's a 2,5-hour-long medical interview and it will take forever to process it.

– Do you need to transcribe it?

– No, I just listen to it and fill in gaps in my notes.

– That’s not so bad, is it?

– Well it is because I don’t want to do it!

– Who’s talking now?

– Little Virpi, aged 5.

– Who else is there?

– Premdipa, 39, is also there but she’s bored with all this shit. She’s busy planning escape routes. She’s daydreaming about India again: getting overwhelmed by the beauty of silence, disappearing in her body in dance parties, wearing maroon robes without underwear, writing a bestseller in Dharamsala in a room overlooking the Himalayas, and re-uniting with her soulmate in USA. She’s also busy planning how to spend the millions she will get after the book is published. She’s not really here.

– Well bring her back.

– She doesn’t really want to come back.

– Just do it. Hey, remember the quote you came across the other day and found inspiring? The one from the Jedi master Yoda: “Do or do not. There is no try.”

(Deep sigh.)

– Okay I’ll get her.


12.30

– And…?

– This resistance is fucking frustrating! I keep forgetting what I’m doing. I took out the recorder, notebook, pens and markers but got lost again while looking for the headphones. And that’s over an hour ago!

– Hey, keep reminding yourself why you’re doing this.

(Stubborn silence.)

– You are doing this because you need money. You want the money because you want to return to Humaniversity and continue your programme there. I thought you said this was your priority. Is it?

– Yes.

– So, what are you going to do?

– I will press Play (grabbing the recorder).

– Good girl!


13.30

– How is it going?

– Suddenly I found myself writing down this inner dialogue and it started looking like a blog entry. And since I haven’t updated the blog in a long time I thought this is important, too. I’ve been anxious about not being able to write. At least I’m writing something now and that’s good. No?

– Hmph.

– Yeah I know… Any excuse to avoid doing what I need to do. Why do I torture myself like this?

– Hey cheer up! Don’t give up! As soon as you start with the medical article you will feel much better. You know that.

– I know. I only wish I could start things in good time. I hate the way I’m setting myself up with deadlines, building up a last-minute-panic. It will feel like dying again. I’m constantly beating myself up for not doing what I should do. I don’t have time for exercising, meditating, relaxing or meeting friends because I need to work. In reality, I don’t work. I’m just busy being anxious about it.

– Yeah that’s what you keep doing and that’s why I try to push you a little bit. I would like you to start doing things differently. I know you have a big no there. But there’s also a small yes. Keep looking for that yes. Tune in with that little yes and let it expand.

– Yes. I want to find that yes. And I will! I will not give up! Thanks for supporting me by the way. I really appreciate the way you don’t give up on me. Oh, Mum just shouted lunch is ready. She’s great. I’ll go and eat now. After food I’ll start with the article.

– I trust you. Remember you’re doing great. It will be okay.

– Thanks. I love you.

– I love you too.