keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 18, 2009

Avoimin kortein

Dear Adim,

Hope all is well with you. I’m writing to you because there’s something I need to communicate to you. It is a bit awkward to send an e-mail instead of talking to you face-to-face but what to do – I was too spaced out after the Satori and had to let things settle before making any decisions or taking action. Now you’ve left the Resort and I just can’t sit on this thing any longer. A Satori girl must communicate, there’s no other option left any more. What a long introduction… trying to avoid the inevitable but here we go.

You really got me. I don’t know what happended during the bodywork session after my first Satori, but something. During the session I was somewhere very deep and hardly aware of what was happening or who was giving the session, but afterwards I was thinking about you a lot. As if your energy had reached new places in me and stayed there haunting. Then again, you are a very intense person and I’m sure many people feel a bit shaken after having been in your presence.

When you joined the second Satori group your energy hit me with full force again. I was very present and focused and had some beautiful and stunning experiences with my koans, but at the same time I was very much aware of you. I felt your energy and even if it made me self-conscious at times, it mostly supported me in my inner work. Needless to say that the energy was highly charged sexually.

On the last day of Satori when we exchanged that hug I was really blown away. Let me tell you without going into too much detail that it was the deepest sexual experience I’ve ever had in my life. Me being in that open space where I was after Satori and feeling someone as present and charged as you filling that space was simply beautiful. It also gave me the confidence that yes, I’ve chosen the right path, this is what I want. I decided some time ago that conventional sex is not for me any more. I want to make love with awareness and this is something I won’t compromise.

I have been opening up very quickly and all this energy stuff is so new to me that it leaves me a bit confused. What I don’t know is why it’s you who affects me this strong. Is it my mind or is there something real there? Are these one-way things or is a mutual connection required? Or maybe it is you who should be more aware of your energy and careful with it, not messing with poor beginners’ energy fields. Well, what do I know. With time I’m sure I will learn.

I have a bit of a history with getting attracted to someone but instead of communicating it I run away and start a relationship in my head. Usually I pick someone who I feel is out of my league, in one way or another, which gives me a good excuse to pull back. After I’ve been daydreaming long enough it becomes virtually impossible to approach that person in real life. Often it takes months before I’m able to let go of the man.

Also, when I participate in groups or sit 10-day Vipassana retreats, for example, I tend to pick someone and start daydreaming. At the end of the retreat when I have finally the chance to change a couple of words with the man, the attraction and pressing need to be with him vanishes into thin air.

I see a very destructive pattern here. This has happened to me over and over again and it will continue unless I do something about it. I need to break free. As far as I can see the only way is to take action and start communicating.

There is nothing special or dramatic in what I’ve written to you. A girl likes a boy, happens all the time everywhere. Sometimes one thing leads to another, sometimes it doesn’t. No big deal. But this is revolutionary for me, because by writing to you and communicating openly I am breaking a habit of repression that doesn’t do good to me. I’m sick and tired of repressing my beautiful sexuality and dwelling in fantasies instead of living them. Thank God I can’t compromise my love any more.

What a relief to see that my love and hunger for truth is greater than my fear of being ridiculed or rejected. Just watching these words and sentences appearing on the screen makes me feel very strong and peaceful. Grounded. I’m doing the right thing, without compromising, and it feels sooooo good!

I’m sure you are able to see that I have no expectations. I’m not asking or needing anything from you, only that you are present enough to receive my communication and I know that you are. And I hope that you can appreciate my honesty.

All there is left to say is thanks. Thank you Adim for being the angel who made me experience what I did and become aware of these harmful conditionings and offering me a chance to communicate it. Thank you.

So that’s it then :-) See you if and when I see you.

Take care,


Ei kommentteja: