Yesterday, I was ashamed. I was stuffing myself with food and sugar and was thinking: "If someone at Humaniversity finds out I fucked it up as soon as I reached the other shore I will DIE!"
I imagined two therapists standing in the corridor outside Four Seasons dining hall. One would say: "Did you hear about Premdipa?" The other would sigh deeply. End of discussion.
Just the thought of it made me squirm in anxiety. Noooooo! I don't want anyone to know!
Well, as soon as I became aware of the shame I knew exactly what to do. I needed to expose myself. I can't do it in a Student Sharing or Darshan any more as I'm used to but there's always Facebook. Hey look, this is me! I'm also this!
As soon as the entry was published something in me relaxed. It takes so much energy to hide a secret. Only a couple of minutes later one of the Humaniversity therapists sends a message: "Reading your blog. How are you?" At the same time, a student brother from Sweden reaches out: "Sorry to hear that but remember you are amazing! Remember I love you very much!" The next morning I had several encouraging e-mails waiting in the Inbox.
I experienced once again how shame can only exist in the dark. As soon as I share it and bring it to the light it simply evaporates. The "most shameful secret" is suddenly nothing but a fact. A piece of information. When the guilt and shame drop, there's actually a lot of space to choose what I want to do. I see the urge to eat but I choose not to.
I've had a beautiful day today. In the morning I bumped into an old school mate I haven't seen in years. I first ignored her thinking: "It's too early to be social" but then remembered I want to change my life. I want to start doing things in a different way. I turned back, smiled and started a conversation. It was nice!
I had a deep session with a homeopath I've been working with for years, and visited a friend at her yoga school. We agreed I will start leading weekly AUM Meditations in August. It's the largest yoga school in Scandinavia with beautiful premises in Central Helsinki. How exciting, can't wait!
Later I had lunch with a Finnish sister from the Encounter Training peer group, and to my big surprise met another Finnish sannyasin in the restaurant - a girl I met in Pune almost two years ago.
In the evening had an open and honest sharing with my mother. Seems like I'm riding a good wave again.
Aaah, I love being with people! I feel loved and cared for. I'm not alone any more, even if it might feel like it when I occasionally trip over and land in a black hole.
I'm so grateful for all my friends. I love you!