I returned to Finland on Friday evening. It took me less than 24 hours to relapse. It started with sugarfree chocolate I found in mum's cupboard. (What was I doing in mum's cupboard anyway?) I got excited - yippee sugarfree lactose-free chocolate, that's tailor-made for me! I started reading the ingredients list but by the time my eyes caught "milk fat" my cheeks were already full. Shit, I knew lactose-free doesn't mean milk-free but chose to ignore it for those few seconds it took me to rip off the paper and stuff the chocolate in my mouth. Now what? Should I spit it out or what? Quickly, I swallowed. Too late.
That was the fuck-it all addicts can recognise. Me deciding to look away for two seconds. What harm can it do if I eat a couple of pieces of milk chocolate? It was an accident anyway, wasn't it? Just relax, no harm done. My head was buzzing with excuses because somewhere I knew exactly what I was doing. For the last 7 months I've been on milk-free, wheat-free, glutein-free, soya-free and sugar-free diet and now I broke it.
After finishing the sugarfree chocolate it took me 15 seconds to get back to mum's cupboard. I started with Peanut M&M's and moved on to Brunberg's liqorice, then to Fruit & Nut Toblerone and Haribo's Matador Mix. Next, I raided the freezer. (Okay let's be honest here: I had scanned the freezers already earlier as I knew exactly where what was - the hazelnut and chocolate cones, pear sticks and vanilla tubs.) Aaah, binging feels so safe and familiar. I'm on my sixth ice-cream but it still feels like I'm starving. My belly is deep like a bottomless well and I love the way the cool ice-cream is caressing my body from the inside, slowly sliding to the depths.
I started binging on Saturday afternoon and haven't stopped since. Today I drove to Helsinki and found myself sitting at McDonald's attacking a McFeast Meal. I've been vegetarian for years now and can't remember the last time I ate meat. This self-sabotage is really getting out of hands.
A part of me is watching all this in amusement - this is my 5-year old going crazy! Yes, Premdipa is a 39-year-old woman full of awareness and determination, especially after participating in a residential addiction programme for the last 5 months. But it's Little Virpi running the show. The 5-year-old in me is grinning in excitement: what a pleasure to break the rules and go off-track. Fuck off everybody I do what I want ha ha ha catch me if you can! No-one can stop me!
I'm watching all this. It feels like I have no control but I'm too experienced now to fool myself. I want to say "I can't stop it" but "I don't want to stop it" is more accurate. Okay, I'm acting out now but I'm patient. I'm waiting for "It's enough now" and then I will stop.
What else? Oh yeah, I fell in love a couple of weeks ago. Today I broke up via e-mail. I love him but can't deal with a relationship at the moment.
I'm writing these words as if I was writing a shopping list. I don't feel anything. I suppose somewhere under a thick layer of ice-cream my heart is broken.
I'm numb. Blessed sugar.