Taking steps

– Good morning Premdipa!

– Good morning.

– How are you?

– I’m okay, thanks.

– What have you been up to?

– Well I’ve spent some time with mum. Yesterday we visited my brother. It was great, I was really juiced up after hanging out with my goddaughter, chatting with my sister-in-law and sharing with my brother. And I’ve been connecting with friends a lot via skype and facebook.

– But…?

– But what?

– Do I hear a but there?

– Well yeah, maybe.

– What’s up?

– I don’t know. I just feel restless somehow. I don’t know what it is.

– But sweetheart, you do know what it is. Just look.

Sighing

– Okay then.

Looking, a bit irritated.

– I suppose I’m disappointed with myself.

– Because…?

– I feel I’m just floating around, I’m not taking responsibility of myself and of my life. I’ve taken a step back and I'm just waiting. Actually, I'm lazy. I’m not doing anything.

– What is it that you should be doing?

– Well I’m avoiding work. On Friday I didn’t start until 1 pm and finished at 4 pm because couldn’t reach anyone anymore. I have to wait until Monday. I should start writing an article but have other plans for the weekend. And then I have a book to write but I’m avoiding even thinking about it. It all makes me anxious.

– You said you don’t take responsibility. How would it look like if you took responsibility right now?

– I’m sure this will sound stupid…

– It’s okay. Go ahead.

– Well my room is a mess and I feel guilty about it. I arrived over a week ago but haven’t unpacked yet. Or to be precise, the bags are empty but the stuff is lying on the sofa and the floor. Plus the stuff I had stored here - there are piles of books and papers, skiing outfits, thermal underwear and bits and bobs all over the place. Plus the collection of over 30 magazines I’ve accumulated in one week, plus unopened mail from the last 12 months. I have to leap from the door to the bed because there’s no free floor space. Every time I see it I feel guilty but don’t do anything about it.

– Why did you say it’s stupid?

– Because I feel it’s something so mundane and insignificant. And embarrassing.

– But you know it's not true, right?

– Yeah, it’s not insignificant. It’s a big thing for me. If I want to take responsibility this is where I need to start. Somewhere close. How can I even think of being responsible with the “big things” such as work and relationships if I’m not able to fold a couple of shirts!

– What if you forgot about the work for now. What if you folded those shirts? How would that feel like?

– I suppose I could try.

– Try?

– Okay, I’ll do it!

– What exactly are you going to do?

– I will sort out the mess in my room. Then I will pick up Jaana and her daughter and we’ll drive to a sannyasin party in Karjalohja, around 100 km from Helsinki. Pragita and Sudeva will arrange a breathing day tomorrow. I will go and have fun! There’s no need to feel guilty. I will enjoy myself fully!

– Wow sounds great!

– Yeah it does, doesn’t it! See you on Sunday evening!

– See you, have fun!