Feelings

Last night, at 11 pm I was stretching in front of the TV. Suddenly I’m standing in the kitchen, hand on the freezer door handle. Fuck! I start to panic. How did this happen? How did I end up here?

I open the door, pick up a chocolate cone, slip it under my shirt and smuggle it to my room. I hide the ice-cream under a cushion and walk out of the room again. Father is sitting in the living room, concentrated in his papers with the tv shouting loud in the background. I can hear mother move in the bedroom. I’m standing in the hall, heart hammering and blood gushing in the veins. I walk back to my room.

I can still take it back. I hold the ice-cream in my hands. You can still put it back. This is the point where you can take responsibility and put it back. I’m still not sure. You will feel like shit tomorrow when people will find out… That’s it, I’m pissed off now! Fuck you, nobody will know because I’m not going to tell anyone! In a few seconds, the ice-cream is gone.

I feel helpless. I watch in panic how my body walks to the freezer again, picking up another cone.

I don’t get it! I’ve had such a good day! I started working again despite of the resistance, getting organised, doing research and setting up interviews. I went for one hour jog in the forest, enjoying to the max. I even did Our Sacred Earth Meditation, dancing and shaking away. And now this!

It’s too late to regret. I pick up the third ice-cream, then the fourth. When mum goes to the bathroom I stand outside the door, listening. The water is running. She’s washing her face. Surely she will dry her face and put some moisturiser on, I calculate. I have at least 30 seconds. I leap to mum’s cupboard, fill my pockets with M&M’s in horror because of the loud noise, and walk away again. 10 seconds.

I feel super sharp, awake and alive. I’ve got everything under control. I know exactly where everyone is and what they are doing. I can’t believe they are so blind. Don’t they feel how thick and electric the air is? A part of me is judging my parents. Wake up! You must know, you must see and hear! It’s in the middle of the night and your junkie daughter is sneaking around, going to the freezer every 5 minutes, rattling the wrapping papers. I know it’s unfair to judge them but I’m missing my HAPI family. By now, someone would have asked: “Are you okay, Premdipa?” They would know from the way I walk or stand, or from the look in my eyes that something’s off. They would smell it. And call it.

I’m sitting on my bed, back towards the closed door, reading a book and eating ice-cream. Just the way I used to do when I was a child. The only difference is that back then, I would have hidden the book inside a biology or physics book. Back then, I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. Now I know exactly what I’m doing but I do it anyway.

I’m on sugar high and don’t sleep well. I wake up feeling guilty. The inside of my mouth is coated with the stale, slimy aftertaste of sugar and dairy.

I switch on the computer and my heart jumps - there’s a message from Him. Yesterday, I mentioned to my mother casually that I had sent him an e-mail saying hello. He had replied, saying hello, adding that he’s removed my name from his skype contacts. He needs to protect himself, too. Mum looked at me for a moment and said: “And it pisses you off, doesn’t it?” Casually I answered: “Yes” and smiled.

Now he’s dropping me a short line, commenting my blog. I start crying. I’m sad but also relieved because finally the tears come. Finally I allow myself to feel.

Now I know why I acted out yesterday and what I tried to supress with all that ice-cream. I had received his e-mail and had pretended I didn’t care. Obviously, I do care.

I make myself a healthy breakfast and start the day with a telephone interview. Funnily enough, the topic is Psychology of Eating. I Drive to Helsinki to Shanti for an Essential Motion class, followed by a Sound Healing session. Some retail therapy. Evening jog in the magical Sipoo forests.

Breathe, move and make a sound. Keep feeling. Everything will be okay.